I am beyond pooped!

It is so hard being a single but married MOMMY! I am so tired everyday. I go to work, pick up my son, cook dinner, bath him, put him to bed. Then I fix his food & milk for the next day. By the time I am complete with that I have a couple of hours or an hour to myself before its time to go to be and relive this same schedule the next day. It's like Ground Hog day!

Moody Moods Mood

Do you ever wonder why you or others are moody? What makes a person moody? How can you control your moods? Why are there some people that are always happy?

I remember when I first got my label... the doctor prescribed me a medicine that started with a Z. You would have thought that I found the HOLY GRAIL. I guarded that medicine... in a sense I worshiped that medicine.

You've got to understand this medicine was my "key" to happiness, my "key" to normalcy... it was supposed to make me feel happy. I took the first pill and waited for the effects... Nothing! The second day... nothing! The third, forth and fifth nothing! nothing! NOTHING!

This went on for awhile, I felt a bit better but I had VIVID dreams. Dreams that when I woke up I could not determine if they were real or not. I would wake up panicked, morning after morning...confused that whether or not my dream about my mom dying was true or not. I mean truly confused!! I would call my mother crying, "I had to make sure that you were alive!!" She would assure me that she was fine. But my dreams... they were VIVID so REAL!!

This Z medicine was making me go crazy....I could no longer decipher between dreams and reality.

Eat

Have you ever had a voice in your head tell you what to do? Well, I have a little voice in my head that talks to me all the time. Some times I listen and some times I don't. Even though all the times that I do listen I am always happy I did... I still don't always listen to the little voice.

Well, I am not in Kansas anymore I am in a strange "country" with my 15 month old son with no family anywho...when I got off of work I realized that I needed to go to the store and get my son some milk. He drinks Soy Milk so I thought I'd try going to Sam's Club and stock up. So as I pulled into the parking lot at my son's school the little voice said, "Salethia, get your son and go home- have dinner first then go to Sam's Club. You know that he is always hungry when he gets home." Well, guys...do you think that I listened to that little voice? No way, I thought I'd rather just run up to Sam's club really quick and when I get home I can stay home. So off to Sam's club we went!

Everything was ok when we were in the front of Sam's Club but when we got to the back of the store, where the food was... all H-E- double hockey sticks broke out! My son saw food... And what did I hear "Eat--eat--eat-- over and over again. Then he started to sign it, as if he was thinking um Mommy do you not understand English? Perhaps sign language will help you understand. When I turned to look at some fruit he had grabbed a container of Kiwis and was trying to open it!!! My poor son was starving!! Being in the food section of the store was absolute torture!! Then I heard the little voice saying, nah, nah nah nah nah... I told you so but nooooo you didn't listen!

If I only had a moment to myself....

Stay tuned I have not forgotten you my dear followers...... I told you guys I needed a clone. I have not gotten that wish yet =(

Can I have a clone?

Sometimes I just want another "ME" to talk to... someone that understands and knows exactly how I feel. So I can say, "Salethia, I feel really crummy today!" and Salethia II could say, "Yeah, I know what you mean.. I completely understand!"... and that would be the TRUTH!. Salethia II would really, really get it! LOL!

God help me!! clone me for my use only...LOL! or not!

Almost there...

I remember one day, while I was in college, I finally convinced myself to go to class. I only had one class that day and told myself I could push through it. See the day before I had no classes and I slept the whole day only left the dorm room once for food. It was nice Spring day. I remember hearing all of the people outside laughing and playing ball. They were happy...why were they so happy? Better question, why was I so darn sad?

Well, I convinced myself to get out and go to my class. I walked out of my door and I remember looking at this process in "steps".... 1st step- locking the door to my dorm room, 2nd step- getting on the elevator, 3rd step was walking to the building were my class was held, 4th step- walking to the classroom, 5th step- taking a seat in class.

I made it through all the steps except the 5th one... I could not sit down in class!! I made it all the way there and I could not do it!! I turned around and went back to my dorm room, crawled in bed and closed my eyes... If I could just sleep maybe when I woke up I would feel better.

This is just one example of something that happened very often... I was almost there.

I am a TURTLE - - - My shell= my dorm room/bed/sleep

Find something wrong...PLEASE - Part I

Have you ever gone to the doctor because you did not feel well? Did you hope they would find something wrong with you? You didn't want them to find out that you had a terminal illness- but you want them to find that there is something wrong. Because, you see, if there is something wrong they could treat you with medicine and you'd be better. If they find nothing wrong, then no medicine and you continue to feel like crap!

I remember when I first asked for help. At this point I felt crazy. I felt like I was really going insane. I kept saying, please lock me up... I had stopped leaving my dorm room. I went to the cafe and got carry out because I didn't want to sit in the cafeteria. I did not want to pretend to be happy when I was so sad and confused. I was isolating myself from everyone and everything.

I remember walking in to the building of my new doctor's office. I had such a feeling of relief...of hope. This person had the magic potion and they were going to cure me... right?!?

I sat down on the black leather chair and the doctor took me through all the "getting to know you" questions starting with, "Why are you here?"... I remember thinking, uhm don't you know?!? I am going INSANE. You need to lock me up in the Loony Bin!! FIX ME!! No, I didn't say that =) But what I did say was, "I cannot function. I don't want to get out of bed, shower, eat...! I am crying all night. I don't know where I belong... what I want to do with my life...I felt all alone. NO ONE understood me and how I felt. I was all alone..."

Then the doctor asked me so why do I feel the way I feel. I started to cry... are you kidding me! If I knew what was wrong with me I would not be sitting here!!!

Was Michael Jackson a fellow TURTLE?

I think that MJ was a "Turtle". How could he not be? His life was an amazing and interesting life. Can you imagine not being able to drive yourself to the store, go to a restaurant, go to your favorite coffee shop. That has got to be a hard life. No freedom.

With all of this talk about the Neverland Ranch it finally dawned on me that the ranch was his "shell". He did not have to hide when he was there. There he was free and safe. Then the child molestation trial and the investigation at the ranch happened. This tore apart his "shell"...he was no longer safe. He was exposed and vunerable.

More thoughts on this later.

Married but a Single Mom...

This is crazy...I am married but a single Mom?!?! I don't get it.

I have always looked forward to the day that I would have my own family. Going to the park with my husband and my kids. Doing things together as a family. But, the reality is that women carry the bulk of the responsibility when we become mothers. Nothing against our husband/ Baby Daddies but... its true.

Okay, I know my story is different..."I am not in Kansas anymore". But when my husband and I lived under the same roof I did mostly everything when it came to our son. Packed his food, pumped his milk (okay, so that is a cheap shot. I know a man can't produce milk but I am just saying...lol), bathed him, dressed him, rocked him to sleep, and the list goes on...

And when my husband did help he wasn't doing things the way I wanted them to be done and it was just easier doing things myself. Have you ever heard that saying, "Let go and Let God"? (At least I think that is the saying...) Anyway I say let go and let your husband. As hard as it is and was I had to let go and let my husband take over. I cannot do everything... I am not Superwoman!

Now that I am "Not in Kansas anymore" I have no choice but to be superwoman.

Pointy Birthday Hats

OK...My son was turning one and I wanted to have a BIG birthday bash for him. Even though he was turning one and would be completely oblivious to what was going on I wanted to have this BIG party because it was his 1st birthday. Part of me thinks that I wanted to do it as a party for me =) A party for me to celebrate making it through my first year as being a MOM. Hey, let's face it, my son could care less! But as for MOI ... I had a blast!

Anyway, while I was shopping for decorations and party favors I came across those traditional party hats. You know... those pointy party hats. Please answer this question for me... Who decided that those hats are synonymous with birthday parties?

How about I make a square hat? Wrap it like a birthday present and have some string that goes under your neck to hold it in place. Do you think it would sell?

I am not in Kansas anymore...

So, why I am not in Kansas anymore.

Have you listened to the news lately? Well, the auto industry is not doing very well and the corporation my husband and I worked for offered a company wide buy out package.

We went back and forth... what are the risks if we both stayed? What were the risks if we both left? What were the risks if one of us leaves and the other stays?
After several discussions we felt that one of us needed to leave because the risks were to high in the other scenarios. If the company went under were could potentially loose everything.

I couldn't and sometime still cannot believe I made one of the hardest decisions of my life to leave my career of 8 yrs.

I spent 5 months looking for a job. It was really weird. I had several interviews, no rejections but no jobs. Finally at the end of the 5th month I got the call. I got a job!! A wonderful offer, with an ideal company. The only negative was that I had to move 4hrs away from home. 4 hours aways from my house, my husband, my parents, my life....

I talked to my husband and told him that the only way I could take this job is if I could take our son with me. My son needed to live with me. Thank God he agreed!!

The next step is to get our family back under the same roof again.

Is this the End?

Do you remember that New Edition song..."Is this the End?" My son is 13 months old and it is time. It is time to fully "cut the cord". But, all I keep hearing in my head is that song. "Is this the End?".

I will get around to telling you all the gruesome details but I was soo worried about having post-partum depression being I had the label in all... you know?!? Remember, I was labeled as having major depressive disorder which made me a higher risk for post-partum depression but thank God I never had a problem. I had worse pre-partum depression- again, a story for another day.

But stopping nursing is the last step. It fully cuts the cord right? I have read stories about women having a depressive episode after ending nursing? UGH..

I have been telling myself that I am going to be fine...which I am. I am just nervous about what "could" happen. I guess what I should be singing is "A Whole New World". A world that I have not had in hmm...let's see 9 months (pregnancy) + 13 months (my son's life) so.. 22 MONTHS!! In this whole new world I can drink what I want. Take any medication I need to take. I can be away from my son for long periods of time without having to lug a breast pump around, worry about where I am going to store my milk so it doesn't spoil, etc, etc. But all I keep hearing in my head is "Is this the End?". Gotta love that New Edition.

Why a Turtle?!?!

OK.. so I was 17, graduated from high school and it was off to college. I went to a small private school to a HUGE Big 10 University. I was terrified and excited at the same time. My security blanket was gone... I am an only child, with a more than interesting childhood...being a way from home only gave me more time to think. Think about life. Think about my childhood. Think about where I had been and where I was going.... all I could do was THINK!!!

Many nights I lay up awake.. just thinking. I couldn't sleep. After awhile all I wanted to do was sleep. If I could only sleep then I wouldn't have to think. But I couldn't... I couldn't sleep! After many months of this, my sleepless nights turned to uncontrollable nights of crying. Crying under the covers trying not to let me roommate hear my sobs. Sleeping during the day missing class because I was so exhausted mentally from THINKING!

April of my freshman year I couldn't pretend to be okay anymore. I couldn't smile and wear a mask anymore. I was desperate... I needed help. I finally made my call for help... I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Ah, a label. So now whats the cure...

You see I am a TURTLE. I hide in my shell. It protects me. I am warm and cozy inside there....no one can hurt me. I don't have to deal with you, them or anyone.........