I am beyond pooped!

It is so hard being a single but married MOMMY! I am so tired everyday. I go to work, pick up my son, cook dinner, bath him, put him to bed. Then I fix his food & milk for the next day. By the time I am complete with that I have a couple of hours or an hour to myself before its time to go to be and relive this same schedule the next day. It's like Ground Hog day!

Moody Moods Mood

Do you ever wonder why you or others are moody? What makes a person moody? How can you control your moods? Why are there some people that are always happy?

I remember when I first got my label... the doctor prescribed me a medicine that started with a Z. You would have thought that I found the HOLY GRAIL. I guarded that medicine... in a sense I worshiped that medicine.

You've got to understand this medicine was my "key" to happiness, my "key" to normalcy... it was supposed to make me feel happy. I took the first pill and waited for the effects... Nothing! The second day... nothing! The third, forth and fifth nothing! nothing! NOTHING!

This went on for awhile, I felt a bit better but I had VIVID dreams. Dreams that when I woke up I could not determine if they were real or not. I would wake up panicked, morning after morning...confused that whether or not my dream about my mom dying was true or not. I mean truly confused!! I would call my mother crying, "I had to make sure that you were alive!!" She would assure me that she was fine. But my dreams... they were VIVID so REAL!!

This Z medicine was making me go crazy....I could no longer decipher between dreams and reality.

Eat

Have you ever had a voice in your head tell you what to do? Well, I have a little voice in my head that talks to me all the time. Some times I listen and some times I don't. Even though all the times that I do listen I am always happy I did... I still don't always listen to the little voice.

Well, I am not in Kansas anymore I am in a strange "country" with my 15 month old son with no family anywho...when I got off of work I realized that I needed to go to the store and get my son some milk. He drinks Soy Milk so I thought I'd try going to Sam's Club and stock up. So as I pulled into the parking lot at my son's school the little voice said, "Salethia, get your son and go home- have dinner first then go to Sam's Club. You know that he is always hungry when he gets home." Well, guys...do you think that I listened to that little voice? No way, I thought I'd rather just run up to Sam's club really quick and when I get home I can stay home. So off to Sam's club we went!

Everything was ok when we were in the front of Sam's Club but when we got to the back of the store, where the food was... all H-E- double hockey sticks broke out! My son saw food... And what did I hear "Eat--eat--eat-- over and over again. Then he started to sign it, as if he was thinking um Mommy do you not understand English? Perhaps sign language will help you understand. When I turned to look at some fruit he had grabbed a container of Kiwis and was trying to open it!!! My poor son was starving!! Being in the food section of the store was absolute torture!! Then I heard the little voice saying, nah, nah nah nah nah... I told you so but nooooo you didn't listen!

If I only had a moment to myself....

Stay tuned I have not forgotten you my dear followers...... I told you guys I needed a clone. I have not gotten that wish yet =(

Can I have a clone?

Sometimes I just want another "ME" to talk to... someone that understands and knows exactly how I feel. So I can say, "Salethia, I feel really crummy today!" and Salethia II could say, "Yeah, I know what you mean.. I completely understand!"... and that would be the TRUTH!. Salethia II would really, really get it! LOL!

God help me!! clone me for my use only...LOL! or not!

Almost there...

I remember one day, while I was in college, I finally convinced myself to go to class. I only had one class that day and told myself I could push through it. See the day before I had no classes and I slept the whole day only left the dorm room once for food. It was nice Spring day. I remember hearing all of the people outside laughing and playing ball. They were happy...why were they so happy? Better question, why was I so darn sad?

Well, I convinced myself to get out and go to my class. I walked out of my door and I remember looking at this process in "steps".... 1st step- locking the door to my dorm room, 2nd step- getting on the elevator, 3rd step was walking to the building were my class was held, 4th step- walking to the classroom, 5th step- taking a seat in class.

I made it through all the steps except the 5th one... I could not sit down in class!! I made it all the way there and I could not do it!! I turned around and went back to my dorm room, crawled in bed and closed my eyes... If I could just sleep maybe when I woke up I would feel better.

This is just one example of something that happened very often... I was almost there.

I am a TURTLE - - - My shell= my dorm room/bed/sleep

Find something wrong...PLEASE - Part I

Have you ever gone to the doctor because you did not feel well? Did you hope they would find something wrong with you? You didn't want them to find out that you had a terminal illness- but you want them to find that there is something wrong. Because, you see, if there is something wrong they could treat you with medicine and you'd be better. If they find nothing wrong, then no medicine and you continue to feel like crap!

I remember when I first asked for help. At this point I felt crazy. I felt like I was really going insane. I kept saying, please lock me up... I had stopped leaving my dorm room. I went to the cafe and got carry out because I didn't want to sit in the cafeteria. I did not want to pretend to be happy when I was so sad and confused. I was isolating myself from everyone and everything.

I remember walking in to the building of my new doctor's office. I had such a feeling of relief...of hope. This person had the magic potion and they were going to cure me... right?!?

I sat down on the black leather chair and the doctor took me through all the "getting to know you" questions starting with, "Why are you here?"... I remember thinking, uhm don't you know?!? I am going INSANE. You need to lock me up in the Loony Bin!! FIX ME!! No, I didn't say that =) But what I did say was, "I cannot function. I don't want to get out of bed, shower, eat...! I am crying all night. I don't know where I belong... what I want to do with my life...I felt all alone. NO ONE understood me and how I felt. I was all alone..."

Then the doctor asked me so why do I feel the way I feel. I started to cry... are you kidding me! If I knew what was wrong with me I would not be sitting here!!!