I am not in Kansas anymore...

So, why I am not in Kansas anymore.

Have you listened to the news lately? Well, the auto industry is not doing very well and the corporation my husband and I worked for offered a company wide buy out package.

We went back and forth... what are the risks if we both stayed? What were the risks if we both left? What were the risks if one of us leaves and the other stays?
After several discussions we felt that one of us needed to leave because the risks were to high in the other scenarios. If the company went under were could potentially loose everything.

I couldn't and sometime still cannot believe I made one of the hardest decisions of my life to leave my career of 8 yrs.

I spent 5 months looking for a job. It was really weird. I had several interviews, no rejections but no jobs. Finally at the end of the 5th month I got the call. I got a job!! A wonderful offer, with an ideal company. The only negative was that I had to move 4hrs away from home. 4 hours aways from my house, my husband, my parents, my life....

I talked to my husband and told him that the only way I could take this job is if I could take our son with me. My son needed to live with me. Thank God he agreed!!

The next step is to get our family back under the same roof again.

Is this the End?

Do you remember that New Edition song..."Is this the End?" My son is 13 months old and it is time. It is time to fully "cut the cord". But, all I keep hearing in my head is that song. "Is this the End?".

I will get around to telling you all the gruesome details but I was soo worried about having post-partum depression being I had the label in all... you know?!? Remember, I was labeled as having major depressive disorder which made me a higher risk for post-partum depression but thank God I never had a problem. I had worse pre-partum depression- again, a story for another day.

But stopping nursing is the last step. It fully cuts the cord right? I have read stories about women having a depressive episode after ending nursing? UGH..

I have been telling myself that I am going to be fine...which I am. I am just nervous about what "could" happen. I guess what I should be singing is "A Whole New World". A world that I have not had in hmm...let's see 9 months (pregnancy) + 13 months (my son's life) so.. 22 MONTHS!! In this whole new world I can drink what I want. Take any medication I need to take. I can be away from my son for long periods of time without having to lug a breast pump around, worry about where I am going to store my milk so it doesn't spoil, etc, etc. But all I keep hearing in my head is "Is this the End?". Gotta love that New Edition.

Why a Turtle?!?!

OK.. so I was 17, graduated from high school and it was off to college. I went to a small private school to a HUGE Big 10 University. I was terrified and excited at the same time. My security blanket was gone... I am an only child, with a more than interesting childhood...being a way from home only gave me more time to think. Think about life. Think about my childhood. Think about where I had been and where I was going.... all I could do was THINK!!!

Many nights I lay up awake.. just thinking. I couldn't sleep. After awhile all I wanted to do was sleep. If I could only sleep then I wouldn't have to think. But I couldn't... I couldn't sleep! After many months of this, my sleepless nights turned to uncontrollable nights of crying. Crying under the covers trying not to let me roommate hear my sobs. Sleeping during the day missing class because I was so exhausted mentally from THINKING!

April of my freshman year I couldn't pretend to be okay anymore. I couldn't smile and wear a mask anymore. I was desperate... I needed help. I finally made my call for help... I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Ah, a label. So now whats the cure...

You see I am a TURTLE. I hide in my shell. It protects me. I am warm and cozy inside there....no one can hurt me. I don't have to deal with you, them or anyone.........